Breakups: Part One

Facebook; To Delete or Not to Delete? The Great Dilemma.

To Delete

• Hey! Now you won't really be able to see them move on (a.k.a. a new relationship, new pictures of the two of them...etc.), which is almost certainly going to happen.
• If their page is no longer fully accessible, the temptation to creep on pictures of them can easily be thwarted. Or maybe they'll just have good privacy settings.
• If your wall is no longer spammed with their posts, you can get through a Facebook-heavy day without being reminded of them. At least, not by Facebook.

Not to Delete

• If you DON'T want to lose the real-life friendship, deleting them on Facebook would most likely be a very bad idea, since when (if) they find out, they will probably not be happy.
• Sometimes, deleting someone on Facebook is like a 5 year old not giving any of his birthday cake to another 5 year old, because last time they had a play-date, she wouldn't share her toy (except obviously it's a little more complicated than that). The point, however, is that you don't want to seem petty; don't delete as an act of 'revenge'. Particularly because if they don't notice, it's that much more awful for you.
• And lastly, why waste the effort? Many people are Facebook-friends with individuals they never talk to; you probably won't be assaulted by you ex's page. And some day, if you really want/need to look at it, you're preventing the awkwardness of sending a friend request...

But unfortunately, there's no right answer; it's your call.

Question #7 - How do you go "The Distance"?

Hey. So, actual question here... What would you recommend for a long distance friendship that is sort of...falling apart (for lack of a more accurate phrase)? How do I bring this up, or try to fix it without being...well, awkward?

*[Since I don't know your specific situation, or the circumstances of the falling apart, bear with me; sorry if it doesn't address any specific issues, but feel free to send me another message to clarify.]*

It's good that you want to fix the friendship. That might seem obvious, but if there's one thing I know about long distance _____-ships, it's that 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is true only to a certain extent. For the most part, distance makes things die. The lack of connection that occurs from being far away tends to lead to disinterest, and even when people realize, "Wow, it's been a really long time since we've talked, hasn't it," they usually don't feel the incentive to rekindle what's faded.

And there lies the largest aspect of the solution: communication. It's when the people who texted every day for a year suddenly don't for a week that problems start. When you used to see each other daily (or frequently), a silence that long is daunting; it's like a barrier. It's awkward.  And technology may be a great way to stay in touch, but it doesn't do so by itself. You have to make the effort to 'talk'. Facebook? If your friend is online, send them a message. If it's been a while since you've talked, and you're afraid of an awkward

Hey

hi

What's up?

nmu?

Same.

that's good.

kind of conversation, make that an actual message. To their inbox. That tends to be an easier way to initiate conversation with people you're feeling less connected to. 

Texting is my biggest recommendation, though (or calling); send them a message daily until it becomes normal again. Tell them you miss them, and don't ask the same questions that relatives you barely know do at family reunions. Get their address and send them a letter now and then. Mail them a package that's full of things like inside jokes, just because. The important thing is that you stay in touch. Let them know that you still think about them, and it should begin to heal itself.

Of course, if you two have had an honest-to-god falling out, things will be slightly more complicated. Conflict is different than neglect, though neglect can lead to conflict if you or your friend feel betrayed by the fact that the friendship isn't what it used to be. If your friend is someone with whom you have a more-than-friends relationship with, that complicates things even more. In these circumstances, you can't really avoid the awkward if you want to clear the air. Someone has to addresses the issue that's preventing reconnection, and the best way to do that is to just say something. There isn't always an easy way out.

Good luck! Hope this helps.

Question #6 - Is "True Love" True?

Do you believe in true love?                                                                       
First of all, that really depends on what you mean by true love. But going from Wiktionary's definition ("The form of romantic affection that is considered pure and wholly positive, not just based on feelings of lust"), I would have to go with... ehhh. Yes, but no.

The definition in some ways is a contradiction of itself; "pure," but not JUST based on feelings of lust? That implies that lust is still in there somewhere, so I'm not sure you can call that pure. And "wholly positive"? I mean, come on. What is there that is WHOLLY positive?

...because every relationship has issues.

I believe that there is a love that can stand the test of time, because the people involved are willing to make it do so. I believe that love like that isn't based on completely trivial things like someone's 6-pack, because that is definitely not going to last forever. But I'm not naive enough to think that physical attraction isn't often the distinction between friendship and romance, and I'm also not naive enough to think that there's such a thing as a love with no bumps in the road.

Everybody has problems. No relationship lacks flaws. If "true love" means a perfect love, then no, I don't believe it exists. But if it just means one that's not self-destructive, slightly less negatively dysfunctional than most, lasting, and in the long run, enjoyable, then yes. I can believe in something like that. 


(Now soul mates? That's another story.)

^ THAT is True Love.

Don't Settle.

Whether or not we realize it, we all dream of settling. There's the very obvious, very much accepted (expected) idea of 'settling down'; you meet someone worth living with forever, and you do just that, potentially plus a kid or two. What's not to like? And then there's the childhood dream, the one where you think, "Oh, I'm going to marry that person one day," or, "I'm going to go canoeing down the Mississippi when I graduate, and that person is the one I'm trusting the oars to on the scary parts."

No matter what the scenario, if it's a childhood dream or just a dream by another name, it all seems very glamorous. The rose-colored glasses and insanely-devoted-doodling-on-notebook-pages kind of glamorous, that often infects with a fervor only otherwise found in intensely dangerous fevers. Such as the kind that mosquitoes spread. (I would have added a picture, but all the ones I found creeped me out).

Crazy insane doodles.

The problem with these glamorous dreams, though, is that they all fall flat eventually. Or they don't, which can be even worse. At the time, going to college with your high school crush and marrying them and having kids with really pretty eyes or the like may seem like a perfectly reasonable dream, but dreams like that are ways of limiting yourself without even realizing it. Not that I'm ragging on high school romances that work, because if they do, and they're good, then all the more power to them. 

But the world happens to be an awfully big place, and the idea of 'growing up' or leaving the people and friends you know can be a scary concept. That's why people cling to the dream of having what seems good and perfect at the moment, forever. It makes sense, from the point of view of someone who's just trying to keep things a little bit the same. 

This, however, is what these dreams do:

They saddle you down! They set you up for believing you've found the best before you've even had the opportunity to know what else there is! Dreams like these aren't really dreams at all; they're fantasies, rooted in a mere inability to look into a future where the world is unpredictable, and where you can't be sure you're headed for good things. These fantasies, which may seem to open doors or to be big and bold, are actually just ways of settling, and I mean the negative connotations of the word. You're going for second best when you don't even know if it's second, or 16th. 

But everybody thinks something along these lines at some time or another; the issue is that many of the people who do don't realize they're not doing themselves any favors. It's exciting to think of the future, yes, but think of the real future... the one you can only guess at. Think of the fun you could have, the troubles you could encounter, but realize that you just don't know. Plain and simple. Don't settle for a hazy solidification of something that's evanescent. In other words, just don't settle. Settling is the biggest mistake you could ever make yourself commit, and  fantasies of the settling nature belong in childhood, if they belong anywhere. So how about we all take a deep breath, let go of those 'dreams' we know aren't what we really need or want, and promise not to settle. 

Not even if the dream-kids would have really pretty eyes.

Yes, I stole this person's baby's picture.
But they put it on the internet.
Found it here.

P.S. Would someone PLEASE have the decency to submit a question for me to write about? As you can see, bad things happen when I don't have any guidelines. http://www.formspring.me/chocolateneeded

Submit A Question

It's up and running! Not very glamorous, but functional, and function is what counts. http://formspring.me/ChocolateNeeded

Friday the 13th (aka The Podcast Post)

On an auspicious day such as today, it feels wrong not to write a post. Similar to the feeling one gets when not ordering popcorn at the movies; maybe you don't really want to, but it's a requirement. All of which is basically to say that this post doesn't particularly have to do with anything.

But wait! I spoke too soon!

Tonight's post is about podcasts. To be more specific, a podcast that I am a huge fan of (and if you are a fan of Chocolate Needed, one that you should be a fan of, too). The most hilarious podcast in existence, it beats Ask a Ninja 10 times out of 10, involves people's odd, embarrassing, and just plain weird secrets, advice in response to said secrets, and the three attractive voices of three attractive guys from Seattle. What's possibly not to like?

I would be referring, of course, to Kiss and Tell, the best podcast in the entire world. It's not a "chick podcast," or a "guy podcast;" it's got something for everybody, seeing as the people behind it are male and the secrets and responses have humor potential for anyone. Basically, people go to their website and submit anonymous secrets. About anything. If they're any good, they read them on their show, answer questions that might have been asked, and analyze the people in the nicest, least judgmental way possible. They're amazing.

And I am very shamelessly promoting them.

www.kissandtellcast.com

As well as making me literally laugh out loud (embarrassingly) in public, this podcast has inspired me. The very anonymity of these secrets makes it so very appealing to submit them; after all, what's to lose? They get over ten to discuss every week. Can you imagine if I had that many questions to answer? It would be ridiculous. It would also, however, be more entertaining than getting zero questions. And I have a theory about this: there isn't a way for people to conveniently, anonymously ask anything. E-mail is not anonymous, or very convenient, so why would anybody send in a question?

My goal is to somehow get an ask box. And start a podcast. The last bit might be unnecessary, but hey; podcasts are fun. And easier to promote, since there's no iTunes section for blogs (yet).

But to wrap up this sloppy thought-train, go to iTunes and subscribe to Kiss and Tell. It's free, and fun, and your life will be better after you listen to Scott, Maré, and Cory for an hour. I promise. And let me know somehow about the whole podcast thing... good idea?


May Jason not hunt you down this day or any Friday the 13th hereafter. 

Term: Contentment

Contentment: the experience of satisfaction and being at ease in one's situation.

Sometimes, being single is nice. It's nice not to have to worry about all that hassle that comes with relationships. Not that being single means you don't have someone in mind, but the best kind of single is the kind with absolute contentment; you're not obsessing, you're not even really contemplating - you're just letting what happens, happen.

And so maybe you DO have an idea about someone.

That, however, does not mean you can't be content. If contentment is happiness with your situation in life, contentment with being single means you don't really know if things will happen with that person, or if it's even POSSIBLE for things to happen with that person, but you do know you're happy.

And how do you achieve this? By realizing that life is just a series of moments.

Years from now, you won't remember exactly how this person looks (unless, on the off chance things go really well, you've married them), and you won't remember the days you spent thinking of them, or the hours that you spent in their presence. What you will remember are certain moments that stood out; moments like a special smile just for you, or a joke told perfectly, or the sun on the bright green grass that the two of you sat on. These moments may have nothing to do with any romantic intention, but they'll stand out in their own, unique ways, and they'll bring you happiness.

Remembering this can help to put obsession and distress on a shelf that you never visit, and remind you that although things might not be the way you'd prefer them to be, they're still pretty damn awesome.

And if those moments will bring you happiness in the future, they'll bring it to you now, too.

Wishing you much contentment,

Commitment, a la "I Do."

There is a long-standing debate about whether or not commitment is a part of human nature.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense to argue that it's not. After all, is populating the world with lots of humans something that is best done with exclusivity? Perhaps not.

Of course, one can also argue that it's unnatural merely based on the seeming inability of many to stay committed to people they say "I do" to further on down the road. And yes, I am aware of the people who are married faithfully for many, many years, and have lovely lives. I am extremely happy for them, and hope to be able to have a life like that someday myself.

Unfortunately, I'm also aware of the people to whom marriage isn't much of a commitment at all. Despite the family and friends who are invited to the ceremony, despite the money spent on the dress, reception, and honeymoon, despite everything being thought through so carefully, marriage is often easily tossed aside when times become too hard, or the two involved realize their differences outnumber their similarities. Two people who once claimed to love each other and promised to do so till death did them part, part instead with half of what they owned together, less money in their pockets than they had before, and more often than not, ill feelings to the other member of the now dissolute union.

Now I personally am a bit torn on the subject of marriage. I understand why divorce is the only answer for some couples, and I'd hate to think of anyone deprived of happiness or real love by being stuck in a relationship that is the equivalent of an emotional black hole. However, I also feel that if "till death do us part" is something so lightly entered into, and so easily dissolved, then marriage loses its purpose and significance. If we can't even stay committed when we commit ourselves to the highest level of romantic commitment possible in the legal and religious world, then what CAN we commit to in a relationship?

If people don't take their vows seriously, then what are vows for?

If people can be so very convinced of their love for someone that they go through the hassle of marrying them, only to end up "falling out of love," then how can you know when someone loves you in a way that will last, or you them?

When almost half of all marriages end in divorce, what's the point in getting married when your likelihood to stay together is merely the luck of the draw? (And that's a recent statistic, mind you.)

Troublingly enough, there's no real answer to that question, at least that I'm aware of. But it IS food for thought.

Nothing's Sweeter than Sabotage

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something, and then go about making sure it doesn't happen."  -Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby WARNING: This post doesn't really try to explain anything or give advice... it just talks about the author's issues a bunch. In fact, it ASKS questions, not answers them. If you're not interested in that, wait for the next post. Since it's been over a month, I figured it was probably time for me to write another post. Lo and behold! Inspiration struck, most conveniently. And if you haven't guessed, tonight's post is about sabotage. The glorious, sweet, destructive thing that it is. But in particular, this is about the type of sabotage I am best at; self-sabotage. Inspiration came in the form of a sudden, striking urge to just end things. Things referring to a potential relationship that was potentially occurring with someone. And unlike my usual forms of self-sabotage, this one didn't occur during a trial of some sort. No, this one struck right when everything seemed to be going right. Which is perhaps a most perfect kind of sabotage, don't you think? Unfortunately, things like this rarely hurt just the intended person.  I still remember how in 4th grade I was crazy about a kid who liked someone else. I became his best friend and did my best to help him out.  When he finally realized he liked me instead, though,  I was instantly over him; needless to say it altered our friendship in not-so-positive ways, and made him pretty confused. It also led me to become obsessed with this freak circumstance, and convinced that I had some weird emotional problem that made me this my way. I even decided it was a syndrome, and named it after him. (Of course karma's a b****, and although he's definitely someone I'd be interested in now, we're not on speaking terms.) This current plague of indecisiveness on what to do with my bipolar attachments will probably lead to wrecked friendships too, if I allow it to continue. Wouldn't you think I'd have learned?? In fact, what makes people relationship-ly self-destructive in the first place? Why would someone take what previously made them happy, and wreck it? And not even for any apparent reason; under circumstances that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. My current theories are that: It signifies an inability to let yourself be vulnerable, It expresses doubt about your ability to BE in said relationship (for whatever reason), or It shows that subconsciously you're just not that invested in the relationship or person. But really, who knows? Anyone? Other theories would be appreciated. Maybe I'll make it a poll. Really, I should go to sleep... it's too late and I'm too tired to think straight. Much love,

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