Question #14 - Friends, The Boy, & School?

How do you balance a boyfriend and your other friends all at the same time? PLUS school?

The simple answer is deciding where your priorities lie, but of course it's never quite that simple. To make things easiest on yourself, here's what I would recommend:

• School first. If you have a big test coming up, or an extremely important essay (or just plain old homework) do that first; if studying/writing/homework-ing is going to take long enough that you won't be able to spend time with your friends or boyfriend afterwards, then it's important enough that you shouldn't skip it. And besides, school is what gets you into college, not your boyfriend. 

• Friends are Forever, or so they say. And the reason they say that is because in high school especially, relationships tend to be on the more ephemeral side of the longevity scale than friendships. In other words, don't neglect your friends for your boyfriend. And the easiest way not to do that is to prioritize them above your significant other. Not necessarily by a lot, but by just enough that they won't feel shunned by your no-longer-single status.

...and you don't want to lose one of those for a
guy who might not even be around when
the zombies actually show.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, 

"But what about my boyfriend? Here she is, telling me to do my HOMEWORK before I hang out with my friends, and then telling me to spend time with my FRIENDS before my boyfriend (because 'who knows when we'll break up...'??), but she doesn't even MENTION spending time with HIM! Of course we're going to break up if I follow THIS advice!" 

Obviously you should still spend time with the boy; I'm not advising that you read this post and then ignore him till all your homework is done for the rest of the year and you've gone to the Great Escape with all ten of your best friends. That would not be balancing all three aspects of your life. I'm merely saying that when it comes to this balancing thing, the boyfriend should not be a light-weight on your scale; if you can't fit in your homework and friends with this guy, then he's not the kind of person you want on the opposite end.

Here's an example: it's a Wednesday, you just found out you have a test on Friday, and your friends and boyfriend all want to spend time with you. Today. So when you get home, you do your homework, study for an hour, arrange to hang out (maybe have dinner?) with your friends, and if your parents won't flip because it's a school night, go see a 7:00 movie with the guy. You're done by 9, 9:30, you won't be cramming for the test tomorrow night, and now you can actually spend lunch tomorrow talking to your friends instead of trying to finish your math homework. And if you use lunch as a hangout with friends, you can reserve some after-school time for the boyfriend before you go home, do your homework, and finish your studying. Of course it's a little bit more complicated than that, but the gist is that it becomes a cycle of rotating through the things you want to do (with an emphasis on school-work and friends), and it's manageable. 

Really, all you CAN do is work with the time you have, and your priorities, until you find a routine that works best.

Good Luck!

Question #13 - Young Love?

how do you define love? do you think that teenagers can really feel it?

Agh, a hard question! I'm going to distract you with a picture while I think about it.

Photo credit goes to ClickFlashPhotos / Nicki Varkevisser 

Okay. Let me start with the first question: I personally don't have a set definition of love... how I think of it involves many different elements, and they sometimes change. But I'll do my best to describe it.

Love: they say it's finding someone you would die for, and to a certain extent I believe that; but a decision like DEATH would usually be done so suddenly, and in such a hectic, emotional, violent moment, that you wouldn't have much time to think about it, or the consequences. Considering it that way, to me it's just as important to find someone you would LIVE for, for the rest of your life.  Living for involves wiping their face and clothes off when they get violently ill all over themselves, and maybe you. Working a job you really don't like to help pay the bills, even though they're not all yours. Being willing to change where you live and how you do so because it's something they need to do, and you wouldn't want them to do it alone. Being always able to talk about anything, whether it's important or not, but not needing to talk. Being with them, and knowing that you're the truest form of you when you are. To me, those are just some of the qualities of love. 


And to answer your second question: I believe that teenagers are capable of feeling the extremely intense emotions that often play a part in falling in love with someone. The trick, though, is how they feel "after the honeymoon ends." The intensity doesn't always last, or at least it doesn't stick around consistently, and the nature of your average teenager is to live in the moment. There's more to what I consider love than just passion, or even warm fuzzy feelings... there's the enduring need to live for more than just yourself; for at least this other person. 


And while I believe that teenagers can feel more than just the first wave of emotions, it's generally against how they're conditioned to look that deep and take things that seriously. The more mature a person becomes, the more likely I believe it is that they'll be able to love genuinely. 


Hope that answered your question! And sorry if it's really long... I can't help it. 

Question #12 - Just Friends!

I'm really good friends with a guy. But a lot of my girl friends tease us about it. I'm worried that because they keep suggesting a relationship, he might freak out and our friendship will fall apart. Should I talk to him? Tell my friends to ease up?

First, it is my formal obligation as an advice-giver to read too much into your wording and ask, do you want a relationship with this guy-friend? I realize that if you're concerned about him freaking out over your friends' suggestions, you would probably do nothing about it even if you did. But that's just something to consider.

Next, I want to back up a step. You just told me that you are good friends with this guy. Not friends, but good friends. That leads me to believe that you are, well, good friends. And usually a good friend won't up and freak out because YOUR friends are trying to set the two of you up.

But are these troublesome girl friends people that he trusts and relies on? Does what they think and say usually have a strong impact on him? If so, then my first bit of advice is to talk to HIM. After all, why do you think he'll freak out? Has he done things in the past that would make you think his fight-or-flight instinct is set on flight? If your gut says the relationship-teasing is causing problems, you need to check in and ask him if it's bugging him. In fact, that's almost exactly what you should say.

"Is them saying that bothering you?" Simple, concise, and not a loaded question.

Sorry, I have a lolcat obsession.

If he says yes, then you need to be serious with your friends and tell them that you don't want a relationship, he doesn't want a relationship, and them always bringing it up is slowly starting to RUIN your friendship. If you DO want a relationship, that obviously complicates things, but if your friendship is your top priority then just go with the above response.

Now if he says no, it's up to you whether or not you tell your friends to cut it out. If a relationship with this guy is something you do/might want in the future, my recommendation is to just let them keep at it. After all, every time they bring it up, he thinks about it, whether he wants to or not. And the more you think about something, the more it tends to become part of your life. That's called the Law of Attraction, and I didn't just make it up. If you're not interested in having more than a friendship, then telling them it's getting on your nerves will probably get you some peace.

Good luck, and hope things work out the way you want them to.

Question #11 - Hot Guys = Manwhores?

Is it just me, or are all hot guys manwhores?

There's good news and bad news; the good news is, it's not just you! Actually, that's the bad news too. Hmm...

On a serious note: extremely attractive guys often DO seem to be equally promiscuous. Is that a universal truth? Probably not. (Note the 'probably'...)

I do have a theory, though. Attractive people in general tend to be more self-confident; they receive more praise and attention throughout their lives. This results from a subconscious human misconception that beauty means goodness, which dates back to primal evolutionary survival techniques.

For example: If you were a peacock, would you mate with the dull, average looking peacock, or the one with fantastic feathers? The second's pretty plumage indicates two things: one, it has good genes, and two, it has really good genes. After all, it not only looks nice; it's also boss/smart/healthy/fast enough to have the free time to groom itself. In other words, your little pea-chicks will probably survive in the big bad world.

Thank you, Mrs. Bessy, for giving me the biology knowledge
to write the above paragraph. 

We, however, are not talking about peacocks. The point of that example was to show that the human desire to be surrounded by attractive people very much exists, if not on a conscious level. Therefore these attractive people become accustomed to having a "following"; they learn to be charismatic and approachable, which makes them popular and very good at working a crowd.

But it does more than just that! For at least a decently large percentage of the "attractive" population (dare I say males especially?), it gives them a sense of entitlement; all these people are attracted to them, so don't they have the right, if not obligation, to make use of it? Whether it be excessive flirting or promiscuity, it tends to go down like that.

Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone/male that society would deem as attractive; some of those people are rude, obnoxious, have morals, or have an affinity to commitment.

(That last bit was kind of a joke. What I meant to say, question-asker, was that there are some "hot guys" out there who aren't players. I wish you luck in finding them.)

xoxo,

Question #10 - Can I Have Plans Now?

So this guy I'm dating asked me if I had plans; I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with him, but I didn't have plans, so I said "not yet." Now I'm trying to GET plans because I don't want to see him tonight, but I don't want to be rude... what should I have said??

Why, I'm so glad that you asked! This question is, as far as I'm concerned, very easy to answer. As I said in my previous post (Ridin' Solo), one of the great things about not being in a relationship is not having to answer to the whims of your significant other. You're dating this guy, but he's not your boyfriend? Hey, don't feel so obligated! If you don't feel like hanging out with him, you don't have to. After all, it's not like the two of you signed the contract of relationship-dom; you're not even supposed to want to spend all your time with this guy. You're allowed to have a life!

So what do you say?

Here's a tip I consider invaluable:

If you're not sure, you ALWAYS have plans. You can 'cancel' plans if you change your mind, but you can't create them after you've been asked. 

Creating plans after you've already said you had none is most definitely rude. That states, very forwardly, that you are avoiding the person who wants to spend time with you. That may be true, and there are times when you might want to be rude in order to get a point across; but if you're just not sure where you stand, don't do something you might regret.

Good Luck!

Question #9 - Bigger Than Four Letters

What do you do if your partner tells you they love you, and you've been hinting for a while that you want them to say it, and when they finally do, you realize how much it actually means and just can't genuinely say it back?

Love; it strikes again!

It's funny (not funny 'haha', funny weird) that you're having this issue, since recently I had a similar blip myself. And let me just say that I understand how crazy it can be when that realization hits home.

But what to do? First, let's figure out the basics. 

Obviously you're with someone. A partner, which implies a commitment. Also, you've been wanting them to say they love you, so you must have thought at one point that you loved them. And lastly, when it came time to lay your cards down on the table, you realized you no longer believed you loved them.

Now that may sound harsh, but I'm not saying you don't have feelings for them; I'm just clarifying that you said you didn't love them (in less words). Pairing that with a commitment, you've got a dilemma. And your dilemma has several solutions:

• Fake it till you feel it. Pretty self explanatory; get past the need to be absolutely genuine and just say it. If you truly care about this person, and if you've thought you were at the love-level before, you're most likely on your way to being there legitimately. Besides, haven't you heard? Throwing the word 'love' around is all the rage with the kids these days.
• Honesty's the best policy. Just tell your partner what's going on. And if things happened the way it sounds like they did, this person has probably already noticed the cat got your tongue when it came to the "I love you"s. An explanation is a good place to start, particularly if they were made to feel that opening up like that was what you wanted. (Hint: This is the most responsible option)
• Pack up shop. You're in a relationship with someone you don't love. Does that seem very logical?? (This is definitely the most drastic thing you could do, and I'm sure the most damaging and unnecessary, but it's still an option if you begin to feel like your relationship has hit its peak and is now in a colossal downward spiral.)

But before you think about any of these, you need to sit down and feel things out. Is it that love is a such a powerful word, and you need time to think about the ramifications of saying it? Does it get stuck when you try to say it, or do you just feel dishonest when you picture doing so? There's a difference between being unable to say "I love you" and feeling it would be wrong to if you did, so it's up to you to figure out exactly what's going on. Perhaps you just need to wait, or this isn't the right relationship for the word. Whatever the reason may be, just do what feels best, and it will work out in the end.

Hope this helped!

P.S. If it didn't, send me another message. I'm having an underfunded idea day.

Question #8 - No Means No.

How do you say no to someone who doesn't know what no means without being a jerk?

That can definitely be a tough question... at least at first. Sometimes, if you wait long enough, their persistence becomes so annoying that it's very easy to drop all concern about appearing jerk-ish, and just make it VERY clear.

 

Of course, that's obviously not the best-case scenario. So, here are some strategies.

• Say no. Again. Of course, you should do so very politely. "I'm really sorry, but I'm not interested." And if they view that as leaving some sign of hope, "...and I don't see myself becoming interested anytime soon/ever." That may be pushing into jerk territory, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. You don't want this phenomenon...

• Prove it. Having someone on your arm is probably a good indication that you're choosing to ignore said admirer's obvious interest. And if there isn't a readily available girl/boyfriend for you, making it clear that you're interested in people who aren't this person-who-doesn't-know-what-no-means is another alternative (a.k.a. saying something about someone you like in earshot of the person who likes you, or just straight out saying "I like someone else. Named ____," to them. But naming names is obviously optional.) 

• Ignore it and hope it goes away. My personal favorite, and probably the least mature of the three options, is to make your feelings known in a more physical and psychological way; shun. If they're always trying to spend time with you? Always have somewhere else you need to be. If they're always trying to chat with you when you're online? Well, that's what Facebook-chat ignore lists are for. Constantly texting you? Respond with those irritating, conversation-ending one word replies. If you're in a position where you can't readily escape, but instead have to endure they're attempts at conversation? One-word replies came from somewhere, and cell phones didn't always exist. You don't have to cop an attitude, but by seeming less than entertained by the whole deal (in a very polite way), you can get the impression across. Now I'm sure none of this seems very nice, so I would suggest it as a last resort; this is for when you begin to get very, very fed up. Like when the person is becoming borderline obsessive (or at least it feels that way). 

Now, these aren't the only three ways to deal with this kind of situation; they're just the three that I utilize the most. If none of them seem very plausible to you, then I would suggest sitting down and having a brainstorm session with yourself, because you're the only one who knows how you'll be most comfortable when dealing with any given issue.

Additional Notes:
In the unfortunate circumstance that this person who won't listen is a friend, I would suggest doing whatever you choose to do as quickly and painlessly as possible... drawing it out could really wreck your relationship.
In the equally unfortunate circumstance that this person is someone a friend is interested in, I would worry less about painlessness than about CLARITY. "No, I am not interested, and no, I will not be, and no, I do not want you to profess your love for me in public; that will not change my mind, it will just make me mad." At this point it doesn't hurt to suggest they be open to other people (*cough* such as the friend), but you don't want to be too blunt about that. Clarity with your friend is very important, too. It may not be your fault that this person likes you, but it WILL be your fault if your friend thinks your inaction is leading them on, or is an indication that YOU like them in return.

I wish you luck!

Question #7 - How do you go "The Distance"?

Hey. So, actual question here... What would you recommend for a long distance friendship that is sort of...falling apart (for lack of a more accurate phrase)? How do I bring this up, or try to fix it without being...well, awkward?

*[Since I don't know your specific situation, or the circumstances of the falling apart, bear with me; sorry if it doesn't address any specific issues, but feel free to send me another message to clarify.]*

It's good that you want to fix the friendship. That might seem obvious, but if there's one thing I know about long distance _____-ships, it's that 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is true only to a certain extent. For the most part, distance makes things die. The lack of connection that occurs from being far away tends to lead to disinterest, and even when people realize, "Wow, it's been a really long time since we've talked, hasn't it," they usually don't feel the incentive to rekindle what's faded.

And there lies the largest aspect of the solution: communication. It's when the people who texted every day for a year suddenly don't for a week that problems start. When you used to see each other daily (or frequently), a silence that long is daunting; it's like a barrier. It's awkward.  And technology may be a great way to stay in touch, but it doesn't do so by itself. You have to make the effort to 'talk'. Facebook? If your friend is online, send them a message. If it's been a while since you've talked, and you're afraid of an awkward

Hey

hi

What's up?

nmu?

Same.

that's good.

kind of conversation, make that an actual message. To their inbox. That tends to be an easier way to initiate conversation with people you're feeling less connected to. 

Texting is my biggest recommendation, though (or calling); send them a message daily until it becomes normal again. Tell them you miss them, and don't ask the same questions that relatives you barely know do at family reunions. Get their address and send them a letter now and then. Mail them a package that's full of things like inside jokes, just because. The important thing is that you stay in touch. Let them know that you still think about them, and it should begin to heal itself.

Of course, if you two have had an honest-to-god falling out, things will be slightly more complicated. Conflict is different than neglect, though neglect can lead to conflict if you or your friend feel betrayed by the fact that the friendship isn't what it used to be. If your friend is someone with whom you have a more-than-friends relationship with, that complicates things even more. In these circumstances, you can't really avoid the awkward if you want to clear the air. Someone has to addresses the issue that's preventing reconnection, and the best way to do that is to just say something. There isn't always an easy way out.

Good luck! Hope this helps.

Question #6 - Is "True Love" True?

Do you believe in true love?                                                                       
First of all, that really depends on what you mean by true love. But going from Wiktionary's definition ("The form of romantic affection that is considered pure and wholly positive, not just based on feelings of lust"), I would have to go with... ehhh. Yes, but no.

The definition in some ways is a contradiction of itself; "pure," but not JUST based on feelings of lust? That implies that lust is still in there somewhere, so I'm not sure you can call that pure. And "wholly positive"? I mean, come on. What is there that is WHOLLY positive?

...because every relationship has issues.

I believe that there is a love that can stand the test of time, because the people involved are willing to make it do so. I believe that love like that isn't based on completely trivial things like someone's 6-pack, because that is definitely not going to last forever. But I'm not naive enough to think that physical attraction isn't often the distinction between friendship and romance, and I'm also not naive enough to think that there's such a thing as a love with no bumps in the road.

Everybody has problems. No relationship lacks flaws. If "true love" means a perfect love, then no, I don't believe it exists. But if it just means one that's not self-destructive, slightly less negatively dysfunctional than most, lasting, and in the long run, enjoyable, then yes. I can believe in something like that. 


(Now soul mates? That's another story.)

^ THAT is True Love.

Question #4 - How to Initiate Contact??

How am I supposed to talk to the idiot guy I like when all he's ever done for me is pass me a paper over a couple of desks?

Ahh, making contact! Sometimes it's like how I'd imagine communing with aliens would be, don't you think? Aside from figuring out the reason to talk to them, there's also figuring out what exactly to say so you don't accidentally cause an issue and ruin your life. After all, in some ways they really DO speak a different language, and I swear some of the things they interpret are way off the mark of the intention.

But back to your situation. The good news is you already have some interactions going on. You may think passing paper is hardly an indication of affection, but everything has to start off somewhere. Since you obviously have a class with this guy, you already have plenty of potential conversation starters: homework ("How stupid is this?"), group work ("How stupid is this??") and basically anything else relating to the class. That's really the best place to start; once you have a solid foundation of idle classroom chat, it's easy enough to move to a different topic, and from there, to something you actually want to talk about.

Another thing that's helpful in moving beyond the "Can I borrow your pencil?"s is having a mutual friend. If you don't already have one but you're truly interested in this person, becoming friends with one of his friends is a good investment. Not only can they include you in conversations they're having with The Guy, but they can also assist you in becoming a topic of conversation with him.

Good luck :)

P.S. If you're like me and enjoy having a script, here's one to try out.
*After a particularly frustrating/stupid/difficult homework assignment*
You: Hey, did you finish last night's homework?
Him: No/Yes/We had homework?
You (if no): Me either! I mean, what was it even asking us to do....blahblahblah.
OR

You (if yes): What did you get for number _____ (or part one, etc.)?

OR

You (if 'we had homework?'): Yeah... if you grab the worksheet now you can do it before she/he collects it. You can borrow my paper if you want.

And viola! You just started a conversation.

Question #3 - Is Love Logical?

If love hurts so much, why do people want it so badly?

That's a complicated question, for several reasons. One, love isn't always a painful experience for people (and most would consider painful love a generally bad investment). Two, when people "fall in love" or love somebody, they usually don't expect the relationship to BE painful; that's something that tends to come a bit after the initial wanting and receiving, if it occurs at all.

With that aside, though, love can most definitely hurt, especially when the feeling isn't returned or the person you love is lost. So if you KNOW it can hurt, either from experience or observation, why would you continue to pursue such a risky venture?

Because it's worth it.

Love is a really epic thing, no doubt. It's complicated at times, annoying, frustrating, and a whole host of other adjectives, but it IS enjoyable. There are few things people obsess quite so much about, and that's because it's one of life's most potent natural highs. A few break-ups and heartbreaks, no matter how painful they may be, generally pale in comparison with the prospect of the happiness and comfort love can bring. And since everyone has a desire to be wanted and loved by somebody, be it for friendship or romance, it's something we all strive for.

After all, a life with the pain of the occasional rejection is hardly as daunting as the prospect of a life spent utterly alone and without companionship. Really, it's the better alternative.

Hope that answers your question!

Question #2 - How to Move On

A boy I was having a "thing" with called it off, but I can't stop thinking about him. How do I move on?

Miss Morgan: The only tried and true method I have ever found for getting over a boy quickly and painlessly is finding another one.

I know that could sound terrible, but believe me, it works, and it's not. After all, boys tend to hold a large, rather irritating power over our thoughts, and some of the only powers stronger than the woe-is-me, i-miss-him-so thoughts are the grand obsessions of a new crush.

Of course, that may not be what you want to hear, since most likely the reason you still think about him is because you still care about him. But considering the fact that from your question I get the feeling the "thing" would still be happening if you had your way, it leads me to believe he was responsible for ending it. Which probably means he isn't someone worth sticking around for anyway.

Question #1 - Crush is Misled

What do you do when your crush thinks you like someone else?

Miss Morgan: Well the first thing I would do, if I was you, is decide if you think she's interested. If you do, then that (in my own humble opinion) makes the decision to do the following a whole lot easier: since she's interested, tell her you don't like that someone else. Better yet, tell her that you like her! It's a great plan. Flawless, in fact.

If you don't want to do that last bit quite yet though, at least make it clear that you aren't interested in the person she thinks you like. If you don't know whether or not SHE is interested, still make this clear. And then you should probably follow that up with asking her to go do something fun. Like, a date. That should probably help you clear up whether or not she likes you. Hope that helps!

RRA: You have to make the girl know you like her...whether it's just telling, buying her something, bringing her on a date, just talking to her all the time or as much as possible...it all depends on the girl.

And if anyone has a question they would like answered (seriously, anyone, please, ask a question!) email it to miss.morgan.blog@gmail.com

By Request: Liking a Close Friend [Personal Opinion]

REMINDER: As this blog states, if anyone reading this (if there IS anyone reading this) wants to ask a question of either me or the RRA (who is our expert on guy-related things), they can feel free to do so. I can be reached at miss.morgan.blog@gmail.com, and if a question is wished to be addressed to the RRA, merely specify and I will pass it along.

As mentioned in the title, this post is a response to a request for advice on liking a close friend. In case there is any confusion, "liking" is meant to hold more romantic connotations than what a plain old friendship would have. I was asked to list pros and cons, which I will do (in the next post: however I recommend you don't skip this one), but first I would like to share my personal opinion on the subject: don't do it.

You have to understand that liking someone as more than a friend is different from being close friends with someone, in more than just the obvious ways. The expectations and, mainly, the responsibilities, are very, very different. Friends stick by each other through every conflict they are capable of. They support each other's decisions as best as they are able, even if they don't agree with them, because that's what friends are for. They'll try to stop you from doing something detrimental to yourself, but if that's what you're going to do (without a doubt), then they will be there for you. If your boyfriend wanted to kiss another girl at a party, you wouldn't support that decision. If your crush/boyfriend promised to call and then didn't, no matter how great his explanation, you would still be hurt. If the boy you liked had a thing for a girl who wasn't you, you would hate her. Period. (And probably him too.)

Now imagine this boy is your best friend. You've always been there for him. You read the poem he wrote his girlfriend for their 6 month anniversary to make sure it was half-decent. You give him ideas of gifts to give her. You tell him everything will be OK when he thinks there is trouble. You tell him all the reasons why his girlfriend is lucky to have him when he forgets. You support him, no matter what.

Would you want to do that if his girlfriend was the one girl in the world you were dying to be? If you wanted to hate her SO badly, but instead you became her friend because you knew that would make him happy? If you had to smile and say, "That's great" when he told you he was going to ask her out, when all you wanted to do was burst into tears? Who would want to do all that??

So MAYBE, just maybe, he might like you back. And MAYBE, just maybe, he'll tell you that before he changes his mind and decides to like someone else so as not to ruin the close friendship the two of you have. And MAYBE, just maybe, the two of you will be really happy together, and (if you break up) never let it ruin the close bond the two of you have. But is it really worth the risk?

My opinion on liking a close friend as more than a friend? Avoid it at all costs. Because it will only cause you heartache in the end, and there's enough of that in the world as it is.