The Trouble With Doubt

Doubt is a feeling everybody experiences at sometime or another. Some people like myself get to enjoy it during any decision they try to make, and then the rest of the time, too. Others rarely feel it at all (those lucky son-of-a-guns).

But as far as I can tell, it's not the most productive emotion. It delays decision making, increases stress, insecurity, and has other not so fun side-affects. Sure, sometimes that can be good; like if you're the sponsor of the Titanic, and you think maybe it's a bit stupid to call it unsinkable. Most people, however, don't encounter situations like that in their day-to-day life.

And that, folks, is a little something called irony.

But when it comes to relationships, and the formation of relationships, doubt usually is not helpful. Perhaps you like someone, and they do things that lend those around you to think the feeling is mutual. But you don't listen and instead choose to fret. Why? Because you're doubtful that someone you like could actually like you? That's not exactly a Titanic-premonition moment.

You can't really affect whether or not they feel the same way; all you can do is be yourself and hope that's enough. So why not release your doubts? Why not make the ride a bit more enjoyable, no matter the ending? And let that apply to more than just romance; in life in general, people are prone to doubting their ability to do things. So my task for you is to let go of your doubts, as much as you are able, and merely enjoy living.

And as a very wise person once told me, "Never underestimate your own awesomeness."

Great Expectations (and no, not the book)

"It seems to me your problem lies with your expectations."

 -Tomás Urrea, The Hummingbird's Daughter 

Despite my morose Pre-Valentine's Day post, I managed to have a Valentine's Day that greatly exceeded my expectations. Which one might think would be a good thing...but knowing my deeply dysfunctional nature, that of course did not end up being the case.

So instead of writing a post about how unexpectedly wonderful my Valentine's Day was, this post has the unfortunate responsibility of being about the dangers of expectations.

If you really sit down and think about it, expectations are a lot like mosquitoes; they serve no real purpose, and end up causing people pain and suffering. If I'd never had expectations about Valentine's Day, I never would have been let down when they weren't met. In fact, I might have never hated that day in the first place. And if I hadn't been so happy about the surpassing of my expectations this Valentine's Day, I wouldn't have created more expectations for the rest of the week. And if I hadn't continued to have better-than-I-expected experiences, I wouldn't have raised the bar of my expectations. And if I hadn't done that, well... I wouldn't have had my expectations so miserably disappointed.

The problem with expectations is that they crash and burn so much more spectacularly than hopes. Unlike hopes, you actually BELIEVE these things are going to turn out a certain way. That's a dangerous train of thought any day, but especially so when it regards the actions of others. If there's only one thing you take from this rant, let it be this: that you cannot know what someone else will do merely because you think it's what they should do. That's a very important lesson to learn, but it's probably one of those things that never really gets through our heads.

So as of this long weekend (jealously not as long as my VT friends' vacation), I'm recovering from Valentine's Week and figuring out ways to leave my pain-in-el-burro expectations behind. Currently, my plan is to just NOT let myself expect things of people. Feel like joining me?

It's worth a shot, anyways. And we could all use a little expectation-elimination.



P.S. (If you have any super-amazing/awesome/ANY ideas about how to work on overcoming expectations, email me at miss.morgan.blog@gmail.com. Also, if you've read some of the Q & A posts and you feel inspired to ask a question, please do. I sound much less pathetic when there's a purpose to my writing)

The Pre-Valentine's Day Post

~ Once upon a time, there was a saint named Valentine. St. Valentine was a priest. He did priestly duties and the like, until it was discovered that he did so by the emperor of Rome (and since apparently being a Christian was not allowed at that time, this was not good). He was then sentenced to death by clubbing, and just to make sure he was entirely dead, he was beheaded.

If you haven't started to cringe yet, you probably ought to. Anybody who starts a train-of-thought analysis of Valentine's day with a man being beheaded is most likely not going to be talking about roses and chocolates and kittens, even though some of those topics might negatively come up later (like tomorrow). Consider this your formal warning: run away while you still can - nothing good can come of this.

Valentine's day is one of those many holidays that has become a money-making paradise. Considering that February 14th has absolutely nothing to do with love (and seemingly more to do with painful death), it's fairly suspicious that millions of people are told they should go and buy romantic things to make their significant others feel special. After all, nothing says love like a red teddy-bear holding a heart.

V-Day is also one of those days I forget I hate until it happens. In fact, every year like clockwork, I convince myself I actually like Valentine's day. This lasts of course until Valentine's day, upon which time I remember that I really despise the holiday, and end up spending all 24 hours miserably contemplating the fact that the day I was so looking forward to is actually really lame.

So to lessen the expected fallout of tomorrow's disillusionment, this year I've decided to brace myself by remembering that, actually, I DO hate Valentine's day. The latest V-Day episode of Glee is also assisting me by providing pre-holiday irritation (yes, they're just made-up characters; no, that does not make them matter less). And even though I know that's not enough to stop my hallucinatory expectations of how tomorrow will turn out, I'm hoping this will make me slightly more bearable to the poor souls who will have to deal with me.

May your chocolates be average and your teddy-bears ugly.
XOXO

Question #4 - How to Initiate Contact??

How am I supposed to talk to the idiot guy I like when all he's ever done for me is pass me a paper over a couple of desks?

Ahh, making contact! Sometimes it's like how I'd imagine communing with aliens would be, don't you think? Aside from figuring out the reason to talk to them, there's also figuring out what exactly to say so you don't accidentally cause an issue and ruin your life. After all, in some ways they really DO speak a different language, and I swear some of the things they interpret are way off the mark of the intention.

But back to your situation. The good news is you already have some interactions going on. You may think passing paper is hardly an indication of affection, but everything has to start off somewhere. Since you obviously have a class with this guy, you already have plenty of potential conversation starters: homework ("How stupid is this?"), group work ("How stupid is this??") and basically anything else relating to the class. That's really the best place to start; once you have a solid foundation of idle classroom chat, it's easy enough to move to a different topic, and from there, to something you actually want to talk about.

Another thing that's helpful in moving beyond the "Can I borrow your pencil?"s is having a mutual friend. If you don't already have one but you're truly interested in this person, becoming friends with one of his friends is a good investment. Not only can they include you in conversations they're having with The Guy, but they can also assist you in becoming a topic of conversation with him.

Good luck :)

P.S. If you're like me and enjoy having a script, here's one to try out.
*After a particularly frustrating/stupid/difficult homework assignment*
You: Hey, did you finish last night's homework?
Him: No/Yes/We had homework?
You (if no): Me either! I mean, what was it even asking us to do....blahblahblah.
OR

You (if yes): What did you get for number _____ (or part one, etc.)?

OR

You (if 'we had homework?'): Yeah... if you grab the worksheet now you can do it before she/he collects it. You can borrow my paper if you want.

And viola! You just started a conversation.

Question #3 - Is Love Logical?

If love hurts so much, why do people want it so badly?

That's a complicated question, for several reasons. One, love isn't always a painful experience for people (and most would consider painful love a generally bad investment). Two, when people "fall in love" or love somebody, they usually don't expect the relationship to BE painful; that's something that tends to come a bit after the initial wanting and receiving, if it occurs at all.

With that aside, though, love can most definitely hurt, especially when the feeling isn't returned or the person you love is lost. So if you KNOW it can hurt, either from experience or observation, why would you continue to pursue such a risky venture?

Because it's worth it.

Love is a really epic thing, no doubt. It's complicated at times, annoying, frustrating, and a whole host of other adjectives, but it IS enjoyable. There are few things people obsess quite so much about, and that's because it's one of life's most potent natural highs. A few break-ups and heartbreaks, no matter how painful they may be, generally pale in comparison with the prospect of the happiness and comfort love can bring. And since everyone has a desire to be wanted and loved by somebody, be it for friendship or romance, it's something we all strive for.

After all, a life with the pain of the occasional rejection is hardly as daunting as the prospect of a life spent utterly alone and without companionship. Really, it's the better alternative.

Hope that answers your question!

Expectations: A Rant.

Have you ever noticed that girls are given more guidelines for catching and keeping a partner than boys are? Is that really fair, and in the end is it even logical?

Girls are told not to seem too eager, that they should "play hard to get." But did you know that when asked, an overwhelming majority of boys complain about the pressure of having to "make the first move," and wish that girls would initiate things?

Girls are told to always portray themselves as confident, but when a "confident" girl leaves the room, boys she leaves in her wake may interpret her attempt at seeming confident as vanity, or "being full of herself."

In the same lane, girls are told boys shy away from insecurity, and are told that insecurity is a major turn-off. So if there's a problem in the relationship, a girl often feels like she can't address it with her significant other, leaving her paranoid and frustrated. If she can't ask, she can't know if her fears are true, and most likely she'll be angry at herself for fearing in the first place, even if her misgivings are reasonable.

Girls are told not to seem needy or clingy. That means second guessing saying "I missed you," or "I want to talk to you," or "Could you stay?" Any of this could fall under a needy, clingy label, even though it might be something her boy wants to hear, or expects. Maybe a lack of healthy neediness could actually lead to doubts of a girl's investment in a relationship, when all she's trying to accomplish are her Girl Expectations.

Girls are advised not to talk about their problems because it makes them seem like complainers, or worse, whiners. Complaints, they are told, could make them seem hard to please or unattractive personality-wise to the opposite sex. Instead, they are supposed to be perky and happy, and always lend a sympathetic ear to the problems of the boy.

Girls are told to always be supportive of the boy, even though the boy may be making stupid decisions, or may not be the Einstein/Shaq he thinks he is. HOWEVER, they are told not to be TOO supportive, or they may seem motherly and, yet again, unattractive personality-wise. Like a hoverer. And no girl wants to be a hoverer.

Girls are told to be sexy. They are supposed to seem attractive, and are supposed to do everything they can to enhance their natural "gifts," but if a girl tries too hard, or shows too much, even though it may be appreciated by the opposite sex, she is viewed as skanky, slutty, or whore-ish, which actually makes her seem less like girlfriend and more like a one-night-stand (and face it, nobody wants to be a one-ngiht-stand, just like nobody really cares about a one-night-stand). So, sexy, but not too sexy.

...does any of this ring a bell, ladies? Does anybody see similar rules for the guys?

Remember, questions, fan-mail, all sorts of wonderful goodies like that, can be e-mailed to miss.morgan.blog@gmail.com. Hurry! I want mail!

This post was produced with the special help and inspiration of Madame Z. She's awesome, and Miss Morgan loves her much. SO you can send her fan-mail too at the above e-mail address.

Question #2 - How to Move On

A boy I was having a "thing" with called it off, but I can't stop thinking about him. How do I move on?

Miss Morgan: The only tried and true method I have ever found for getting over a boy quickly and painlessly is finding another one.

I know that could sound terrible, but believe me, it works, and it's not. After all, boys tend to hold a large, rather irritating power over our thoughts, and some of the only powers stronger than the woe-is-me, i-miss-him-so thoughts are the grand obsessions of a new crush.

Of course, that may not be what you want to hear, since most likely the reason you still think about him is because you still care about him. But considering the fact that from your question I get the feeling the "thing" would still be happening if you had your way, it leads me to believe he was responsible for ending it. Which probably means he isn't someone worth sticking around for anyway.

Question #1 - Crush is Misled

What do you do when your crush thinks you like someone else?

Miss Morgan: Well the first thing I would do, if I was you, is decide if you think she's interested. If you do, then that (in my own humble opinion) makes the decision to do the following a whole lot easier: since she's interested, tell her you don't like that someone else. Better yet, tell her that you like her! It's a great plan. Flawless, in fact.

If you don't want to do that last bit quite yet though, at least make it clear that you aren't interested in the person she thinks you like. If you don't know whether or not SHE is interested, still make this clear. And then you should probably follow that up with asking her to go do something fun. Like, a date. That should probably help you clear up whether or not she likes you. Hope that helps!

RRA: You have to make the girl know you like her...whether it's just telling, buying her something, bringing her on a date, just talking to her all the time or as much as possible...it all depends on the girl.

And if anyone has a question they would like answered (seriously, anyone, please, ask a question!) email it to miss.morgan.blog@gmail.com

Liking a Close Friend: Pros and Cons

As I promised, the following are the pros and cons of liking a close friend as more than a friend. as The previous post might have led someone to believe that I think there is something horribly wrong with liking a close friend; I don't, but my personal opinion is against it [an opinion I got from personal experience]. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I'll try not to let mine affect my lists.

Pros:

• You're already close friends! You like spending time with this person, and they like spending time with you. That's a good start.
• You know this person well. They know things that drive you nuts, and know how not to do those. They also know your birthday, your obsession with romantically pointless movies, and other things that it takes a while to learn.
• They already know that you are certifiably insane, and they love you for it anyway. This eliminates a lot of the insecurities involved with liking someone you don't know well.
• If you're close friends, at this point you probably known and are known to most of their friends (if you aren't already friends with them). This person has also probably been approved by your friends, since the likelihood that they are friends with your friends is pretty high. That also means their friends and your friends are probably trying to help the relationship.

Cons:

• Just like the pro, you know this person well. That means all the things you know about them that aren't that great you now have to put up with in a different way. Ex. Say you know your friend has never been able to be faithful to his girlfriends. He's your friend, so you just rolled your eyes. Now YOU are interested in being his significant other...see what I mean?
• Since you two are friends, it may have never occurred to them that you could be anything other than friends. That's a tough bridge to cross.
• The whole friend thing can be just as problematic as helpful: if you like this person it's just as possible that one of your friends, who is also friends with them, does too. Maybe they announced this affection before it even occurred to you, or maybe they just announced it before you could. Either way, you have to honor that your friend 'liked them first.'
• If the feelings are returned, the trouble isn't over: a line many a girl has heard from a close friend they liked is "I don't want to ruin our friendship." It makes sense, I suppose; a break-up of any kind would almost be guaranteed to put a dent in that relationship. But what this comment really means is that your close friend would rather play it safe, even though dating you could be worth the risk. If you want to change that, it will take a lot of work on your part, and most likely that won't even change anything.

Hope those helped! If anyone has anything they would like to contribute, comment and I'll add it.

By Request: Liking a Close Friend [Personal Opinion]

REMINDER: As this blog states, if anyone reading this (if there IS anyone reading this) wants to ask a question of either me or the RRA (who is our expert on guy-related things), they can feel free to do so. I can be reached at miss.morgan.blog@gmail.com, and if a question is wished to be addressed to the RRA, merely specify and I will pass it along.

As mentioned in the title, this post is a response to a request for advice on liking a close friend. In case there is any confusion, "liking" is meant to hold more romantic connotations than what a plain old friendship would have. I was asked to list pros and cons, which I will do (in the next post: however I recommend you don't skip this one), but first I would like to share my personal opinion on the subject: don't do it.

You have to understand that liking someone as more than a friend is different from being close friends with someone, in more than just the obvious ways. The expectations and, mainly, the responsibilities, are very, very different. Friends stick by each other through every conflict they are capable of. They support each other's decisions as best as they are able, even if they don't agree with them, because that's what friends are for. They'll try to stop you from doing something detrimental to yourself, but if that's what you're going to do (without a doubt), then they will be there for you. If your boyfriend wanted to kiss another girl at a party, you wouldn't support that decision. If your crush/boyfriend promised to call and then didn't, no matter how great his explanation, you would still be hurt. If the boy you liked had a thing for a girl who wasn't you, you would hate her. Period. (And probably him too.)

Now imagine this boy is your best friend. You've always been there for him. You read the poem he wrote his girlfriend for their 6 month anniversary to make sure it was half-decent. You give him ideas of gifts to give her. You tell him everything will be OK when he thinks there is trouble. You tell him all the reasons why his girlfriend is lucky to have him when he forgets. You support him, no matter what.

Would you want to do that if his girlfriend was the one girl in the world you were dying to be? If you wanted to hate her SO badly, but instead you became her friend because you knew that would make him happy? If you had to smile and say, "That's great" when he told you he was going to ask her out, when all you wanted to do was burst into tears? Who would want to do all that??

So MAYBE, just maybe, he might like you back. And MAYBE, just maybe, he'll tell you that before he changes his mind and decides to like someone else so as not to ruin the close friendship the two of you have. And MAYBE, just maybe, the two of you will be really happy together, and (if you break up) never let it ruin the close bond the two of you have. But is it really worth the risk?

My opinion on liking a close friend as more than a friend? Avoid it at all costs. Because it will only cause you heartache in the end, and there's enough of that in the world as it is.