Breakups: Part One

Facebook; To Delete or Not to Delete? The Great Dilemma.

To Delete

• Hey! Now you won't really be able to see them move on (a.k.a. a new relationship, new pictures of the two of them...etc.), which is almost certainly going to happen.
• If their page is no longer fully accessible, the temptation to creep on pictures of them can easily be thwarted. Or maybe they'll just have good privacy settings.
• If your wall is no longer spammed with their posts, you can get through a Facebook-heavy day without being reminded of them. At least, not by Facebook.

Not to Delete

• If you DON'T want to lose the real-life friendship, deleting them on Facebook would most likely be a very bad idea, since when (if) they find out, they will probably not be happy.
• Sometimes, deleting someone on Facebook is like a 5 year old not giving any of his birthday cake to another 5 year old, because last time they had a play-date, she wouldn't share her toy (except obviously it's a little more complicated than that). The point, however, is that you don't want to seem petty; don't delete as an act of 'revenge'. Particularly because if they don't notice, it's that much more awful for you.
• And lastly, why waste the effort? Many people are Facebook-friends with individuals they never talk to; you probably won't be assaulted by you ex's page. And some day, if you really want/need to look at it, you're preventing the awkwardness of sending a friend request...

But unfortunately, there's no right answer; it's your call.

Question #7 - How do you go "The Distance"?

Hey. So, actual question here... What would you recommend for a long distance friendship that is sort of...falling apart (for lack of a more accurate phrase)? How do I bring this up, or try to fix it without being...well, awkward?

*[Since I don't know your specific situation, or the circumstances of the falling apart, bear with me; sorry if it doesn't address any specific issues, but feel free to send me another message to clarify.]*

It's good that you want to fix the friendship. That might seem obvious, but if there's one thing I know about long distance _____-ships, it's that 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is true only to a certain extent. For the most part, distance makes things die. The lack of connection that occurs from being far away tends to lead to disinterest, and even when people realize, "Wow, it's been a really long time since we've talked, hasn't it," they usually don't feel the incentive to rekindle what's faded.

And there lies the largest aspect of the solution: communication. It's when the people who texted every day for a year suddenly don't for a week that problems start. When you used to see each other daily (or frequently), a silence that long is daunting; it's like a barrier. It's awkward.  And technology may be a great way to stay in touch, but it doesn't do so by itself. You have to make the effort to 'talk'. Facebook? If your friend is online, send them a message. If it's been a while since you've talked, and you're afraid of an awkward

Hey

hi

What's up?

nmu?

Same.

that's good.

kind of conversation, make that an actual message. To their inbox. That tends to be an easier way to initiate conversation with people you're feeling less connected to. 

Texting is my biggest recommendation, though (or calling); send them a message daily until it becomes normal again. Tell them you miss them, and don't ask the same questions that relatives you barely know do at family reunions. Get their address and send them a letter now and then. Mail them a package that's full of things like inside jokes, just because. The important thing is that you stay in touch. Let them know that you still think about them, and it should begin to heal itself.

Of course, if you two have had an honest-to-god falling out, things will be slightly more complicated. Conflict is different than neglect, though neglect can lead to conflict if you or your friend feel betrayed by the fact that the friendship isn't what it used to be. If your friend is someone with whom you have a more-than-friends relationship with, that complicates things even more. In these circumstances, you can't really avoid the awkward if you want to clear the air. Someone has to addresses the issue that's preventing reconnection, and the best way to do that is to just say something. There isn't always an easy way out.

Good luck! Hope this helps.

Question #6 - Is "True Love" True?

Do you believe in true love?                                                                       
First of all, that really depends on what you mean by true love. But going from Wiktionary's definition ("The form of romantic affection that is considered pure and wholly positive, not just based on feelings of lust"), I would have to go with... ehhh. Yes, but no.

The definition in some ways is a contradiction of itself; "pure," but not JUST based on feelings of lust? That implies that lust is still in there somewhere, so I'm not sure you can call that pure. And "wholly positive"? I mean, come on. What is there that is WHOLLY positive?

...because every relationship has issues.

I believe that there is a love that can stand the test of time, because the people involved are willing to make it do so. I believe that love like that isn't based on completely trivial things like someone's 6-pack, because that is definitely not going to last forever. But I'm not naive enough to think that physical attraction isn't often the distinction between friendship and romance, and I'm also not naive enough to think that there's such a thing as a love with no bumps in the road.

Everybody has problems. No relationship lacks flaws. If "true love" means a perfect love, then no, I don't believe it exists. But if it just means one that's not self-destructive, slightly less negatively dysfunctional than most, lasting, and in the long run, enjoyable, then yes. I can believe in something like that. 


(Now soul mates? That's another story.)

^ THAT is True Love.